Happy 11th!

Today is Joy's 11th birthday!  I actually don't have anything profound to say today, but I did want to keep up the tradition of documenting her birthdays here.  Today was honestly just a nice family day - probably the most peaceful and normal August 3 I've had in...well...11 years!   It's a year of big milestones here - Liam just turned 13, Noah will be 10 in the fall and Kathryn starts kindergarten.  So I think it's good that this was just a run of the mill birthday for Joy. This mom can't handle any more milestones! Ten years seemed like a big one last year (and it is!) but this year just seemed peaceful and nice, albeit with an undercurrent of sadness.

In a way, it's kind of a relief to not feel like I have anything deep to say. I think it can be easy to play a comparison game in the infant loss community - seeing how you grieve or celebrate as compared to others and thinking that if you aren't flat on the couch for a week in grief that you aren't mourning your baby properly (isn't it crazy how humans can make anything into a comparison game?).  I am actually happy that our family has fallen into a rhythm of celebrating Joy. I think it is helpful for the kids and me alike to know what to expect and how to celebrate.  So, as we have been doing for 4 years, we spent the day painting rocks.  I didn't document the process - just enjoyed it.  I was so proud of all of them. They have varying levels of interest and skill in artistic endeavors but they all took the process seriously and made thoughtful rocks (after we got through the normal sibling drama of who got which rocks!). 

Kathryn's  - a fish, a heart, and an "11"

Noah's - "Joy", an "11", and a ladybug with 11 spots

Liam - " I heart J" and a flag

This is as artistic as I get! 

I'm sure the teenager at Duck Donuts was wondering why the middle aged lady was wearing a Christmas shirt. 

This evening, we headed to the cemetery armed with pizza and donuts and rocks.  I was lugging things from the car so I kind of stood back and watched and it was bittersweet to see how comfortable the kids were at Joy's grave site...it has become a comfortable and familiar place to them. They were eager to see how last year's rocks fared (amazingly well actually!) and settled in to our usual spot. Of course I wish this weren't part of our family legacy but also am proud and happy of how all 3 kids remember their sister, even though none of them actually met her.   We scarfed down the pizza so fast we didn't even get a picture, but I made everyone pose with donuts before they were consumed. We sang Happy Birthday with gusto and then the kids carefully placed their rocks.  

Noah pointed out that though he doesn't have an official "joy" shirt like Kathryn and I do, he and Liam were wearing shirts that bring them joy, since they are hockey themed. 

It was a beautiful night, so we strolled through the cemetery (Mt. Lebanon is a lovely place if you've never walked through).  As usual, being in a cemetery makes for some interesting conversation about life and death and how young is young and how old is old and military service and families.  Liam was on a mission to find the oldest person we could.  The "winner" was 102 years old (or maybe only 101 as he logically pointed out, since we didn't know the exact birth and death dates.)  We also hid the rest of our rocks around the cemetery (all in trees near the road, nothing disrespectful!).  Of course there were a few sibling shenanigans along the way. I had a brief moment where I wondered where a spirited 11 year old would fit into the redheaded gang...these moments give me pangs of sadness and I'll admit an occasional sigh of relief thinking of one more tween in the family. ;)  (Only joking of course...I would gladly take tween sass any day but that is not to be.)

As usual, I am holding a book drive to benefit Beverly's Birthdays in Joy's memory.  There is no pressure to contribute, but it's become an important part of my celebration of her as has the rest of our traditions.  I think some of you feel the same. If you do, I'd welcome your contribution, and if not, then no pressure!  You can do the normal Paypal, Venmo, Zelle or check...if you don't know how to find me, just message me. 

Happy birthday, Joy!  We are grateful for your life, however short it was, and for the big impact you've made on us and our community! 

Ten. TEN! 10!

Yesterday was Joy's 10th birthday!  As it was approaching, ten seemed like such a big number! I thought maybe it was just the accountant/nerd in me that thought so, but as we were discussing it, Noah said "10 is a big deal. The first year of double digits!"  He's not wrong! 

Joy's birthdays always bring a mix of feelings for me.  As the years pass, the grief is less intense, but it is still an odd day where nothing seems to feel quite right.  Part of me wants to skip the day altogether, and another part of me is glad for a day to focus on Joy.  It helps that we have established some traditions that anchor our day. 

First up - rock painting. This is year #3 for rocks.  I knew we had a rock painting kit around the house but neglected to get it out until the morning we were to paint. I was disappointed to see it only had 4 rocks, but also too lazy to go to the store for more, and it was in some ways perfect because we each got a rock.  Some of us are more artistically inclined than others, but everyone cheerfully participated in painting a rock for Joy.  Our plans were all thoughtful, though some of us translated the thought from mind to rock better than others. 

We had the rest of the day free while our rocks were drying. I organized Joy's book drive (more on that at the end of the post). I think that's one of the reasons I have made the book drive an annual event (besides the obvious) - it gives me a productive way to channel some energy and effort on her day.  Then I was tempted to play the lazy mom (I'm pretty good at that) but there's also a tension there in that seems wrong somehow - mourning a child and being a kind of crappy mom to the kids you do have. LOL

All that to say, I decided to go for the fun afternoon of water play.  I had actually planned to do this on Liam's birthday a few days earlier but it was too cool outside. So it seemed appropriate to do something birthday party-esque that a  ten year old would enjoy.  I'm not going to lie, the water balloons were rough as everyone had different ideas of how to play with them.  But then we got out water Twister and it was awesome. It was heart-warming to see all three of them soaked and laughing together and NOT arguing - a balm to this mom's heart! 

And just like that, it was time for the centerpiece of our celebration - the oddly-named but enjoyable cemetery picnic!  It was hot, hot, hot but thankfully there is some shade near Joy's gravesite, and we all enjoyed our pizza and donuts.  

Next came the ceremonial rock laying. Some of the kids took it really seriously, which was precious.  We were happy to see that our rocks from two years ago were still there, but that the paint from last year's rocks had washed away.  I guess that confirms that going with the professional kit is the way to go.  Someone please remind me to buy another kit next July - if I get it now I will lose it by then!   Here are our finished rocks.

(I am a really terrible blogger and don't really know how to crop these pictures so just bear with me please!) 

Notice that Kathryn and I are wearing coordinating "choose Joy" shirts: 

We followed rock-laying with our traditional cemetery stroll. It really is a beautiful place.  Strange as it may be, these walks provide fodder for great conversation - on the length of certain lives and the brevity of others, puzzling out family relationships or what wars or historical events individuals lived through.  It is interesting seeing how each of our children's unique personalities come out through their questions and thoughts.  One of the boys (I'll let you guess who if you know them well) proudly declared that "Joy's headstone is the prettiest and best one in the cemetery."  That declaration made me laugh out loud with the ridiculous competitive spirit that also revealed an underlying sweetness.  Another child spend a long time calculating how old Joy and the rest of them would be at various points: "When Kathryn is 10, then Joy will be..." and marveling at the strangeness of growing old.

We have always been open but also let our kids lead with our discussions about Joy, particularly about how and why she died.  This year Kathryn was the one with a lot of questions.  Obviously, death is pretty mysterious to a 4 year old. She had some very thoughtful questions, even just trying to understand the terminology.  She seemed to think that Joy died at the cemetery, so we had to explain that she was born in the same hospital they all were.  Then she wanted to know how she got in the ground. I explained, and mentioned that we had a picture of the box in the deep hole and she desperately wants to see it. One of the boys vehemently did not want to see it, and the other is waffling (I still need to sort through the pictures and find it.)  They were also amazed when Eric casually mentioned that we had driven Joy in her casket to the gravesite.    Though these conversations might seem odd to some, I think it has actually been good to normalize discussing death and the end of life traditions.  They love their sister, but for them I think it is probably easier to have these conversations about a somewhat nebulous person than when it is a family member that they have grown physically and emotionally close to. And like it or not, we know those days will come eventually. 

Okay, this is getting very tream of consciousness now, but I did want to document our day just for my own remembrance if nothing else. I will close with this - every year I wonder what Joy would be like, what our family dynamic would be like, etc.  We have many friends with ten year old girls, and it is nearly impossible to imagine our tiny baby as a tween! Then again, it is hard to imagine the tiny Liam baby as a tween even though he is right here on the couch. And then of course, the what-ifs trip me up, because if Joy had lived, who knows what our family might look like today.   Somedays I imagine that Kathryn is like a mini-version of Joy..then I think of their two brothers and how different their personalities are from each other and realize that is not necessarily a safe assumption!    A dear friend sent us this card for Joy's birthday and it is absolutely perfect: 

Inside she wrote that she picked this card because she thinks it describes what Joy would be like at 10.  Of course we will never know for sure, but I have to agree with her assessment and it is truly a card I will treasure. And as an amusing side note, the card came and Kathryn asked who it was for. She was confused when I said it was for Joy (don't worry, it was addressed for me) and wanted to know who would open it. She was thrilled when I said she could open it, and even more excited to see the big "10" on the front.  Then she exclaimed "You were right! She is 10!"  I couldn't help but laugh and think "ummm yes...I remember the day vividly".  Apparently Kathryn is truly the daughter of an auditor - she needed some outside verification to corroborate my claims! 

I'm not feeling very eloquent to sum up having lived through a decade of having a daughter whom I will never hold again.  It's not something I ever would have chosen to have happened, yet I feel that I have grown in many ways as a person, in my faith, as a friend, and as a parent.  We have also been able to minister to many (sadly, more than I would ever hope) other families and individuals who have lost pregnancies at various stages.  We will always miss Joy Marie and look forward to the day when we will see her again, happy and whole! I have peace and *joy* knowing that we gave her all the love we could for the time we were granted with her.

Last but not least, for the 7th year in a row, we are hosting a book drive in Joy's memory. We donate the books to Beverly's Birthdays, a fantastic Pittsburgh-area nonprofit who gives birthday parties and gifts (including books) to children who would not otherwise have these special moments.  As a family who loves to read and who tries to celebrate birthdays in a special way, I can't think of a bettercause to support.  If you are interested in donating towards the book drive, you can paypal me at beth.salesky@gmail.com or Venmo @Beth-Salesky.  All donations are matched 65% by Usborne Books and More to give even more great books to this worthy cause.