I think I've started every birthday post on Facebook or my blog for all three of my children with these words..."I can't believe X is Y years old". So true to form, let me say, I can't believe our sweet Joy is 4 years old...or would be 4 years old today...or was born 4 years ago today. (I never even know quite how to phrase it but you get the point!)
These four years have passed quickly in some ways, and yet it seems so long ago that Joy was born and we got to hold her and be with her for those few moments. In that time, Liam has grown from a inquisitive chubby toddler to an inquisitive long-legged kindergartener (eek!) and another inquisitive preschooler has joined our family.
While the birth and passing of Joy has brought sorrow and sadness to our life, her brief life has also brought many *joys*. We've seen the support of close friends, family, and the church, who celebrated her birth and remember it four years later. We've seen God working in our lives and are excited to testify to that fact. We were able to participate in scientific research of several kinds (I'm hoping to post more on that soon.). We've been able to walk alongside others facing pregnancy and infant loss.
So much about the situation is bittersweet, and it is epitomized in hearing Liam talk about his baby sister. In the way that children are, he is very candid about the situation and talks from the heart without reservation. His understanding of Joy's life has continued to grow - I don't remember the first time we told her about Joy, but we talk about her frequently (usually led by his cues) and fill him in gradually as is age-appropriate. At this point, he knows that she was born when he was 2 and died a few minutes later because something was very wrong with her head. He is so sweet in talking about her with Noah - "Noah did you know we have a sister? Let me show you the picture of her feet (which is on display in the living room). I will tell you about her." Oh, it just breaks my heart, but makes it swell at the same time. Just the way he matter-of-factly uses the word "sister" - it's not a word we hear in our house frequently. And the fact that no 6 year old should have to explain to his 2 year old brother about their deceased baby sister. But he handles it so well, even if in a different way than an adult does. (By the way, I'm not making Liam out to be some kind of angel, he certainly has his faults...but the way he deals with this situation amazes me.) He proudly told his mom's day out teacher that today is his sister's birthday and we're going to have pizza and cupcakes to celebrate at the cemetery. I guess for him, it is just part of his life. He asks questions when he is curious, processes it, and moves on. The other day we were folding laundry and he asked me "Did Joy ever wear clothes?" I told him that she did wear clothes in the hospital and that she was in fact buried in clothes. He thought for a minute, said "that's kind of weird that she was buried in clothes." I agreed, then the conversation changed topics. I'm grateful for this not-so-little guy and his sweet care of his baby sister's memory. Here's a picture of the boys last fall with their "Joy bear" who was lovingly made by Molly Bears in the exact weight of Joy when she was born.
I don't think you ever get over the loss of a child, but the grief ebbs and flows and changes. While I've always mourned the fact that I wouldn't get to see her grow up, that has become more intense lately. At first, I was mourning the loss of that tiny baby, of growing a child I could not take home. But now, particularly as Noah is growing older and has such a distinct and entertaining personality, I am mourning the fact that I will never get to watch her grown up. I often wonder what Joy would have been like. (I mean I understand that her growing older was not part of God's plan, but I'm just letting my imagination wander here). Would she have been spunky and energetic and analytical like her brothers? Or more reserved like her mom? Athletic or artsy? Silly or serious? As the boys turn from babies into real little people and we see their unique selves emerging, it makes me mourn for missing those milestones and funny moments with a sweet red-headed girl (at least that much I know for sure!).
In the past, I've struggled with how to celebrate this day. This year, I feel like I'm confident with the plan we have in place. It's still a strange way, but I think we're celebrating in the best way we can. Earlier in the week, we mulched her pretty little garden that some good friends donated in her honor - full of pink-blooming perennials. This morning, while the boys are having fun at Mom's Day Out, I am taking the time I normally spend working to update this long-neglected blog. And this evening we will take pizza, cupcakes, and balloons to the cemetery and have a little picnic. (I'm hoping the weather cooperates this year!)
Each year for Joy's birthday we have also made donations in her memory - to our church (who is planning some artwork for the nursery), to the pregnancy resource center, etc. This year, in addition, I am planning to donate some books to Beverly's Birthdays, which is a Pittsburgh non-profit that provides birthday cheer for children experiencing homelessness and families in-need. Every Birthday Cheer Bin that goes out to a child on their birthday contains a book along with 5-6 other gender and age appropriate gifts, including a toothbrush and toothpaste. Last year they distributed over 1,100 of these Birthday Cheer Bins. We love birthdays around our house, and though we don't have extravagant parties, we do make them a special occasion for the special person. In Joy's case, there's no one to shower with fun and gifts, so it seems like the perfect chance to share the love with a little someone who is here but is not in a situation to receive a birthday gift or party. If you'd like to join me in donating, you can do so here. And all donations will be matched 50% by Usborne, plus of course I will be donating any commission I made because I'm not doing this to personally profit! (And it made me set a goal, so I just picked $400 for her 4th birthday - I'm happy just to donate our own contribution.)
So happy birthday, sweet girl! We love you and miss you and can't wait to see you again someday!
No comments:
Post a Comment