I know I have been extremely neglectful of this blog lately, but I do really want to finish Joy's story. So, when we left off, we had just left the hospital and had a beautiful service for Joy. So now what? It was back to real life. On the surface, everything was much the same as it had been before - I was a stay at home mom with an active little boy. But I was acutely aware of just how normal and same everything was.
Thankfully, I felt amazing well physically quite soon after Joy's birth. This meant that we were out and about, doing all that regular "fun" summer stuff. But that's not where I wanted to be. I remember breaking down one beautiful summer evening as the three of us were at our neighborhood park. I didn't want to be at the park - I wanted to be home on the couch, nursing a newborn and managing a wild toddler as I had imagined months before.
Honestly, this time is a little fuzzy in my brain. With the Olympics coming up soon, I was trying to remember why the last Olympic games seemed so fuzzy to me (unusual, because I LOVE the Olympics). Then I realized that they were taking place four years ago, just as Joy was born and died. No wonder I don't remember the results very clearly!
Anyway, I do know that it was a strange mix of emotions. For the first few weeks, I was terrified that someone might ask if I was pregnant, since I looked, as most newly postpartum women do, 5 months pregnant. Nothing fit and nothing looked right. I remember it being frustrating in the same way after Liam was born, but at least I had a cute baby to distract everyone from my lumpy look! Mercifully, I got very few comments or questions. Looking back, it must have seemed odd to people whom I saw on a regular basis (librarians, the grocery store clerk) that one day I was very very pregnant and the next I was not but did not have a baby. I guess in those situations people knew better than to ask, and I was so grateful. For as openly as I can discuss it now, it was very hard to discuss it at that point. I did have one situation where a lady I saw at a CSA pickup excitedly ask "where's the baby?" when she saw I wasn't pregnant. I was able to calmly explain that she passed away shortly after birth but that we were expecting that to happen. Of course, she expressed her sympathy and apologized for asking, and I was put in the odd position of comforting someone else over my child's passing.
At the same time, Joy's passing made me even more grateful for Liam and the crazy normalcy he brought to my life. Not that he was a replacement for her, but a welcome distraction, and a reminder of the blessings that God had brought into our lives already. And of course, he wasn't about to let me sit on the couch and wallow in self-pity - we had parks to visit and matchbox cars to drive. He had a terrible transition from crib to big boy bed, but part of me didn't mind snuggling him in his bed as he fell asleep...it was good to be needed by my "baby".
I was (and am) grateful for the continued support of our church family during this time. Our church has an amazing meal ministry in which volunteers deliver meals thrice weekly for a month or two after babies are born, during illnesses, etc. The church graciously provided meals for us for several weeks after Joy's birth. Part of me felt slightly guilty about this because I was physically capable of cooking for our family (see above regarding feeling fine), but mostly I appreciated the fact that they were willing to care for us in this time of mourning. And though I wasn't taking care of a new baby, it was still emotionally and physically draining taking care of a two year old during this strange period. Speaking of which, our children's ministry director graciously offered Liam a free spot in our church mom's day out program for the remainder of the summer. I really appreciated the chance to flop on the couch and just be quiet and still, take some time to journal, or even go and sit at Joy's grave. "The church" today often has a bad reputation, but I think we saw the church at its best during this time.
From there, life just continues to go on. I don't think you ever get over the loss of a child, but the grief ebbs and flows and changes. Certain situations happen that bring our loss sharply into focus again, and then other times it is not in the forefront of my mind. For example, we have a group of friends whom we have been close with since we were all young single people. Now most of us are married with children, most of whom happen to be boys (just recently a few girls joined the clan, but at least 3/4 of our offspring are male). We were on a camping trip recently with this group, and one couldn't help but observe that ALL NINE children on the trip (6 and under, may I add) were BOYS! Of course, this observation was verbalized by myself and others over the course of the weekend, and every single time I couldn't help but think that there should be a grubby little redheaded girl in the midst of all those boys. Of course no one is making that remark to be hurtful, and I even commented on myself, but it certainly stings a little every time the topic is brought up there or in other similar situations. I have a few friends who occasionally chime in with a comment that shows they have not forgotten about Joy. It's not necessary, but it is truly appreciated in those instances to know that though she is out of sight, she is not out of mind.
While I've always mourned the fact that I wouldn't get to see her grow up, that has become more real lately. Four years removed, I frequently see a few girls were born at the same time of Joy. I've always considered this a mixed blessing - it's kind of nice to be able to see approximately how old and big Joy would be, but of course it's reminder of our loss. For some reason, perhaps because they are growing up from toddlers to little girls, it's really hard to fathom that we could have a 4 year daughter in the house, playing ponies and princesses and watching Frozen ad nauseam. However, I am so blessed with my 2 boys, and truth be told, probably make a better boy mom than a girl mom. Bring on the dirt and the noise and the trucks and Legos!
I love you and I miss Joy.
ReplyDelete