Before Joy was born, upon the recommendation of our pastor, we met with a very kind funeral director from Laughlin Memorial Chapel and made some basic plans. They were so gracious and generous to us and donated their services and even the tiny coffin for Joy. If you ever need the services of a funeral home in Pittsburgh, I'd highly recommend them (there you go - I never would suspect that at the age of 35, I'd be able to personally recommend a funeral home!).
God continued to provide for us materially in this time. Many years ago, someone had donated some grave sites to Eric's parents' church. I forget the exact sequence of events, but upon hearing of Joy's condition, they offered to give us not just one site for Joy, but three, so that we could be buried next to her when the time comes. What a blessing! Furthermore, the sites are in a beautiful, park-like cemetery that is just up the street from the apartment where Eric and I lived for a few months when we were newlyweds. We would walk or run (me reluctantly) through that cemetery during that first summer of marriage having no idea the significance that this place would come to hold in our lives.
Leading up to Joy's birth, we had planned to have a quiet graveside service with just our immediate families. When we met with our pastor after her birth, he suggested using the mausoleum at the cemetery where Joy was to be buried as it would be more comfortable for everyone and easier to gather. Fine by me. Then he gently suggested that we might consider inviting a wider circle of friends to Joy's service. I was slightly surprised by this idea and we went home to think about it after planning the rest of her service. After giving it some thought, we decided that we really would like our family and friends who had so wonderfully supported us through our pregnancy to get a chance to be a part of the celebration of Joy'w life. And so we invited many of our friends and issued an open invitation to our church family to attend Joy's memorial service.
With our pastor's help, we planned a simple service that we hoped would be meaningful for both us and our family and friends. The only thing that remained was figuring out what to wear. Haha! It sounds trivial, but it didn't feel trivial at the time. I had no idea what size I would be after giving birth, so I couldn't get something in advance. So 2 days after giving birth, I headed out to the mall. Actually, WE headed out to the mall. I was insistent that I could go by myself, but in retrospect, I'm so glad Eric came with me. I'm not a huge shopper, but shopping for a dress at 3 days post-partum is probably at the top of my least-pleasant shopping tasks - another one of those things I never thought I'd be doing. I kind of shudder thinking about it even now. But in the end, we found a dress that fit and was at least moderately flattering given the circumstances. Thank goodness that Eric was there to give an unbiased opinion and encourage me to spend more money than I had planned on the dress we found. I can still picture the checkout desk where I stood praying that the cashier would not ask me what the dress was for (and she didn't). I hope I will never need that dress again, but it hangs in my closet as a memorial to that time in my life.
Leading up to the memorial service, the prayer of my heart was that my mind would be clear during the service. I didn't want to go through the service in a fog; I wanted to be fully present and really celebrate my daughter's life. Just in case, we had a plan B - we decided to set up a tripod and record the service. And I'm so glad we did and have a lasting remember of that special day. But God really answered this prayer too. I was calm and cool and can still remember the details of the day with clarity. I actually felt more composed than many in attendance at the service. I was worried it would seem like I was uncaring or unemotional, but I'm hoping people knew otherwise. For us, it was just one more step in this journey, but I think for many attending the service, seeing that teeny tiny casket brought such a physical reality to the situation that it was hard not to react. Not that I enjoyed thinking about my daughter in that little white box, but the events of the past few days had prepared us for this as well. And of course, many of our friends have little ones of their own, so seeing that baby-sized casket hit particularly close to home.
That morning, we dropped Liam off at the church. Our church graciously arranged childcare for anyone who wanted to attend the service so that we didn't have the distraction of little ones at the service. Eric and I arrived early to the cemetery and drove past Joy's grave site. It was hard to see that hole that was so big yet so small awaiting out little girl. From there, we drove to the mausoleum and took our seats in the front row without too much conversation. A small crowd quietly gathered. In the end, there were about 50 people there. I made a list of them when I got home so that I wouldn't forget anyone who was there on that special day.
That morning, we dropped Liam off at the church. Our church graciously arranged childcare for anyone who wanted to attend the service so that we didn't have the distraction of little ones at the service. Eric and I arrived early to the cemetery and drove past Joy's grave site. It was hard to see that hole that was so big yet so small awaiting out little girl. From there, we drove to the mausoleum and took our seats in the front row without too much conversation. A small crowd quietly gathered. In the end, there were about 50 people there. I made a list of them when I got home so that I wouldn't forget anyone who was there on that special day.
The best word to describe the service is "beautiful." It's the word that I heard repeated by nearly everyone I talked to afterwards. It wasn't long, but it was meaningful, from the songs sung to the words spoken. So beautiful, in fact, that I would like to share part of it with you now. Talk about a 180 degree shift from my initial plans of an ultra-private service, right? It's only about 10 minutes, and I would love it if you would take the time to listen/watch. I think Pastor Wolling so eloquently summarized what I have taken 6 months to type here (and I'm not done yet - haha!).
I'm no theological expert, but I do know what I've learned about God through the process of carrying Joy and would be happy to talk to you if any of this strikes a chord or raises any questions. And if I don't know the answer, I'd be happy to search them out with you.
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