August 3...the date looms large every year. It's a strange day - celebrating a birthday for a person who is not there to celebrate with you. Nothing seems quite right, but we do our best to honor Joy in small ways throughout the day.
It is so interesting and heart wrenching to explain Joy's life to each child as they grow older and understand more each year, yet it makes my mama heart happy to see how each member of our family remembers her and celebrates her more in their own way. One of the boys shyly asked for more details of what was wrong with Joy, and after I gave him a basic explanation, he told me it made him sad and he didn't really want to think about that anymore. And I totally agree and empathize with him!
Kathryn has gradually been coming to an understanding that she has a big sister in this nebulous place called heaven. We were painting rocks for Joy this morning and Kathryn sweetly inquired what Joy's favorite color is. I asked her what she thought it would be, and she said "maybe green, like you and me?" I approve!
Joy would be nine years old this year. As with my living children, I find this hard to believe. The passage of time is something I have a hard time comprehending; how it can be simultaneously so fast and so slow.
I am confident that God has formed our family and experience in just the way He wants it for our good and His glory, yet it is always tempting to think of what might have been. I feel like I post these thoughts every year, but I wonder what a 9 year old Joy would be like - artistic or a dancer or maybe a hockey player like her brothers? A bookworm or outgoing or a bit of all of these traits? She had red curly hair at birth - would it still be curly? How would she interact with her siblings? We seem to know a multitude of girls around the same age as Joy, which was difficult years ago, but is now more of a blessing, to see a child her age an imagine how tall she would be and what she might act like. As with so many things, it is all so bittersweet!
In a fun twist, this is the first year since her birth that the Olympics have been on her birthday. In 2012, I remember watching the Olympics during labor and thinking that I didn't know who was working harder - those athletes or me! This year I am glad to relax and watch the games without labor pains!
As has become our tradition, we will be having a book drive in Joy's memory - I will make a separate post with those details later today.
Please excuse the stream-of-consciousness nature of this post, and thanks for letting me remember our girl on her big day! As always, I am grateful for the brief time we had with Joy and look forward to being reunited with her some day.
