Today is Joy's 11th birthday! I actually don't have anything profound to say today, but I did want to keep up the tradition of documenting her birthdays here. Today was honestly just a nice family day - probably the most peaceful and normal August 3 I've had in...well...11 years! It's a year of big milestones here - Liam just turned 13, Noah will be 10 in the fall and Kathryn starts kindergarten. So I think it's good that this was just a run of the mill birthday for Joy. This mom can't handle any more milestones! Ten years seemed like a big one last year (and it is!) but this year just seemed peaceful and nice, albeit with an undercurrent of sadness.
In a way, it's kind of a relief to not feel like I have anything deep to say. I think it can be easy to play a comparison game in the infant loss community - seeing how you grieve or celebrate as compared to others and thinking that if you aren't flat on the couch for a week in grief that you aren't mourning your baby properly (isn't it crazy how humans can make anything into a comparison game?). I am actually happy that our family has fallen into a rhythm of celebrating Joy. I think it is helpful for the kids and me alike to know what to expect and how to celebrate. So, as we have been doing for 4 years, we spent the day painting rocks. I didn't document the process - just enjoyed it. I was so proud of all of them. They have varying levels of interest and skill in artistic endeavors but they all took the process seriously and made thoughtful rocks (after we got through the normal sibling drama of who got which rocks!).
Kathryn's - a fish, a heart, and an "11"
Noah's - "Joy", an "11", and a ladybug with 11 spots
Liam - " I heart J" and a flag
This is as artistic as I get!
I'm sure the teenager at Duck Donuts was wondering why the middle aged lady was wearing a Christmas shirt.
This evening, we headed to the cemetery armed with pizza and donuts and rocks. I was lugging things from the car so I kind of stood back and watched and it was bittersweet to see how comfortable the kids were at Joy's grave site...it has become a comfortable and familiar place to them. They were eager to see how last year's rocks fared (amazingly well actually!) and settled in to our usual spot. Of course I wish this weren't part of our family legacy but also am proud and happy of how all 3 kids remember their sister, even though none of them actually met her. We scarfed down the pizza so fast we didn't even get a picture, but I made everyone pose with donuts before they were consumed. We sang Happy Birthday with gusto and then the kids carefully placed their rocks.
Noah pointed out that though he doesn't have an official "joy" shirt like Kathryn and I do, he and Liam were wearing shirts that bring them joy, since they are hockey themed.
It was a beautiful night, so we strolled through the cemetery (Mt. Lebanon is a lovely place if you've never walked through). As usual, being in a cemetery makes for some interesting conversation about life and death and how young is young and how old is old and military service and families. Liam was on a mission to find the oldest person we could. The "winner" was 102 years old (or maybe only 101 as he logically pointed out, since we didn't know the exact birth and death dates.) We also hid the rest of our rocks around the cemetery (all in trees near the road, nothing disrespectful!). Of course there were a few sibling shenanigans along the way. I had a brief moment where I wondered where a spirited 11 year old would fit into the redheaded gang...these moments give me pangs of sadness and I'll admit an occasional sigh of relief thinking of one more tween in the family. ;) (Only joking of course...I would gladly take tween sass any day but that is not to be.)
As usual, I am holding a book drive to benefit Beverly's Birthdays in Joy's memory. There is no pressure to contribute, but it's become an important part of my celebration of her as has the rest of our traditions. I think some of you feel the same. If you do, I'd welcome your contribution, and if not, then no pressure! You can do the normal Paypal, Venmo, Zelle or check...if you don't know how to find me, just message me.
Happy birthday, Joy! We are grateful for your life, however short it was, and for the big impact you've made on us and our community!
