Reflections on Joy's 7th birthday

Happy 7th birthday, Joy!  Just as I would say about any of my living children, it's hard to believe Joy is 7.  As is to be expected, the initial shocking pain of her loss has faded, but I remember her in many small ways nearly daily.  Every time someone asks me how many children I have, I pause before answering; on certain occasions I say "2 boys and girl at home and a daughter in heaven".  In other situations, I simply reply 3, and Liam pipes up (ever the detailed one), "well, actually, there's 4."  Or strangers in the grocery store comment on our strong red headed genes and I think "yes, we're not just 3 for 3 on the red hair, we're 4 for 4".  And I always hesitate before referring to K as the "3rd child" (usually in reference to her sleep schedule, as in "poor 3rd child just has to go with the flow")...she's not the 3rd child, although she is being raised as the 3rd. I usually default to "the youngest".

And of course as her birthday approaches, she has been on my mind a lot. Children's birthdays (particularly in this age of social media) provide such an opportunity to reflect on a person, on their personality and interests; to perhaps pick out a few fun pictures from the past year or from their baby days to share.  My oldest son's birthday is just a few days before Joy's, so this process is clear in my mind, and makes a stark juxtaposition with this day.

When your child is in heaven and has been since birth, it's obviously a bittersweet day.  While I know she was a redhead, I've often wondered in my mind what Joy would have been like - what would that snapshot of her say?   Until now, I've mentally combined her brother's traits - perhaps a creative bookworm or an analytical athlete?  Now having another little girl in our family, this wondering is slightly different and perhaps more bittersweet (yep, I used that word twice in this paragraph but it's one of my favorite words!). As I watch little K trail me around the house, imitating all my daily duties, observe her carefully feeding her baby (creatively named Baby) or as I scrape her scraggly hair into little red pigtails, it makes more real what having a little GIRL in the house would be like.  We will never know, this side of heaven, but based on the rest of our family, I think it's safe to say that Joy would be smart and stubborn, and based on many other 7 year old girls I know, she would be doting on her baby sister.

Although Joy is not here to show us all what she is like,  her life has left a pretty big legacy.  As I've posted here before, she has participated in organ donation and several research papers.  But more importantly, she has changed her family and the world around her.  In some ways, it's hard to even quantify how she has changed me personally - she has shaped me as a mother as much as my living children have.  After all, she has been part of my life for 7.5 of the 9 years I have been a mom.  I know she has taught me not to take any of my children for granted - for better or worse, I am aware of just how fragile life is.   I'm sure Joy's brief life has changed me and my parenting in ways I am not aware of.  She has also made me grow and change in my faith, helped me to contemplate eternity and heaven, and forced me to become more vulnerable in many ways.

Joy also has left a legacy in allowing us to be sensitive to other families who have lost pregnancies or babies at various stages.  When I received my poor prenatal diagnosis, I didn't know of any friends that had had a pregnancy loss.  I found a good support group online, and had wonderful support from family and friends, but neither of those are quite the same as having "real life" friends who could relate to my experience.  Unfortunately, we have had the privilege of walking through pregnancy and infant loss with several friends since them. (Actually, when I stopped to count them up, the total was over a dozen...which makes me incredibly sad to think of all that sorrow, yet happy to think of all those babies partying in heaven together. (and no, I'm sure that is not exactly theologically correct, just as all these parenthetical remarks are probably not grammatically correct!))  Some were already close friends, others were local moms who became friends due to our shared loss.  I am not eloquent and often don't know the words to say, but have sought to minister well to these moms and families by being available as a listening ear and trying to remember their little ones' special dates. (I'm not trying to toot my own horn by saying all this, merely sharing how God has answered our prayer to accomplish good through Joy's short life.)

Last but not least, for the past three years, I have organized a birthday book drive for Joy's birthday.  In those three years, Joy's family and friends (along with a generous match from Usborne Books & More) have donated over $4,000 of beautiful brand new books to Beverly's Birthdays, which is a Pittsburgh charity that provides birthday parties and gifts for local children in need. Being a family of bookworms, this has been a perfect way to celebrate and remember Joy and pay it forward on her birthday.

So for the fourth year in a row, I'd invite you to participate in Joy's Birthday Book Bash.  All donations are matched at 65% so that every dollar donated results in $1.65 of books to help celebrate Pittsburgh area children's birthdays.  The easiest way to participate is to PayPal me at beth.salesky@gmail.com (make sure to choose friends and family so there are no fees), but if you don't do PayPal and want to participate, feel free to contact me and we can work something out.  As it is Joy's 7th birthday, I'd love it if we can raise at least $700 to donate to Beverly's Birthdays.  (And if you have book shopping of your own to do, 65% of your book purchase at this link will also be matched.  I'm not actively selling Usborne any more, but a good friend (providentially also named Joy) is helping me out with this book drive and would be happy to help you find the perfect book.)

Happy birthday, sweet girl!