waiting game

So, the decision had been made...and thus began a time of waiting.  I don't know about you, but I'm not a good waiter, generally speaking.  I felt kind of like a ticking time bomb.  I guess every expectant mother feels that to a certain extent, but I just felt like I was counting down to a day I both dreaded and anticipated.  

But meanwhile, I had months to live, day by day.  I did a lot of research and reading, both on the internet and in books.  Someday, I plan to make a post about some good resources I found. In this situation where there wasn't much I could control, I felt empowered by knowing as much as possible.  There were many times that I found myself telling the midwives or nurses or other medical professionals what I had garnered from other mothers of anencephalic babies. I am so grateful for the support and resources that I found online.  While technology does have its drawbacks, it also has some amazing benefits, and being connected with moms across the world who have walked this unusual and very specific path was certainly one benefit. 

There were other things we did to prepare as well. We had family pictures taken - our only official pictures as a little family of four.  We took Joy on a family vacation to the beach, and she came to Niagara Falls with us on our 5th anniversary trip. She even came on a girls' weekend to celebrate our 10th anniversary of college graduation. Some families who are carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis really go over the top in documenting their baby's life or doing special and elaborate things with him or her before he or she was born...kind of equivalent to those detailed, Pinterest-inspired birthday parties.  I'm not criticizing those people (after all, it's the only time you have with this little one, so if you want to go all out, go for it!), but that wasn't really my style.  However, I did want to mark the special times that we had with Joy before she was born. 

If you know me, you know I LOVE pictures. I have zillions of pictures of travels and our boys and my life, and I usually share them quite freely.  However, I haven't shared many pictures of my pregnancy with Joy. Any pictures that were public from that period are usually just of Liam.  It's not because I was ashamed of Joy or of my pregnancy, but it was just hard.  I didn't mind talking about her or the situation, but breaking the news to people was almost unbearable.  The words were difficult to get out, but seeing people's reactions was even harder. It often put you in this weird situation of having to console them; to say "oh, it's okay," when it clearly wasn't.  Every time I told someone about Joy's diagnosis, it was almost as if I was receiving the news all over again myself. 

So I adopted a two pronged plan for the inevitable questions any pregnant woman receives.  If it was a stranger in a store or someone I was unlikely to see again, I usually just answered their question with the truth, but not the whole truth.  "When are you due?"  "July."  "Do you know what you're having?" "A girl."  People must have thought I was the least excited pregnant lady ever, but oh well.  See? Not so brave!  Of course, if it was someone who I knew I would see again, I would tell the truth about Joy's short life.  (I'll admit that my strategy failed once and someone I thought I would not see again I did...over and over.  Oops! But for the most part, my plan worked to save the emotional roller coaster.) 

We were new to our church when we found out about Joy, so it was a strange combination of meeting people and having this sad news to deliver.  We were really blessed by our church's children's minister, who graciously offered to pass the news along in the church so that those we came in contact with would already know about our situation.  Eric was also able to talk about Joy and her diagnosis in a slightly less emotional way than I was, so he usually accepted the task of breaking the news to people for me.  I'm very grateful to these two, and thanks to their help, I didn't actually have to pronounce "I'm carrying a baby who won't live" to many people. 

All that to say, though I documented my pregnancy, I didn't share the pictures because I wasn't ready for an onslaught of questions about this baby from people who didn't know what was going on.  But lucky you - you know the whole story, so I'd love to share a few pictures from that time with you.  Plus, I'm hoping to print this blog out as "Joy's Story" when it's done, and I'd love it to have some visuals.  Oh, and excuse my face.  The old wive's tale that "girls steal your beauty" is true - my face was a broken-out mess the whole time I was pregnant with Joy!

This was at my parents' house, shortly after the diagnosis.  I feel like my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes!

Happy birthday to my mom and I!

Eric and I took a 5th anniversary trip to Niagara Falls. It was a great time for us to get away and relax and spend some time processing but also some time escaping! 

Liam (and Joy's!) first Memorial Day parade. Liam LOVED it. 

We took a semi-impromptu trip to Virginia Beach, just the 4 of us.  Traveling with a toddler is challenging, but sun and sand and a change of scenery was enjoyable for all of us! 

Camping was a big tradition in my family growing up.  It was fun to take Liam camping for the day with my parents, and even Joy got to join in the fun. 

The zoo! 

This is one of my all-time favorites.  Liam turned two shortly before Joy was born, so he was kind of oblivious about the whole thing.  I guess because my stomach just slowly got bigger, he didn't really question the whole thing.  He certainly did enjoy using my stomach as a gigantic mountain for his vehicles.    I remember thinking that this was as close as playing together as this brother and sister would get this side of heaven, and this picture perfectly captures it!